Weakness in Words
by bluebruise
Summary: Berwald is a mute who never really fits in anywhere, and when he gets sent to boarding school things aren't exactly good for him - but things start looking up when he gets assigned a journal and a small Norwegian boy starts to suddenly notice him. - SuNor, DenNor and SuFin. c: Sucky summary is sucky.
1. 14th October

_Fjortonde Oktober - _

It's my fourth day here at the new school and for homework we've all been assigned an English project where we have to keep a journal. Our whole class groaned when Mr Thomas, our teacher set it. Apart from me, of course. I don't think it's such a bad idea though, the only worry I have is that he's going to check through them thoroughly and read what we've written, not just 'flick through to see you're using them properly,' like he said he would. He promised he wouldn't read, and if he doesn't keep his promise I am lost. Since I don't get my thoughts out vocally, not even to myself I think it's worth trying to get them down on paper.

I don't even know what I'm doing here. Well, I suppose I do, it's to make me talk. They sent me here because they want me to talk, but I don't want to talk. I haven't spoken in so long I've actually forgotten what my voice sounds like and that scares me. And they're sick of being the parents of the freak loner who won't speak, so they send the freak to a boarding school.

Things aren't exactly good for me here either, you know. A few days ago I got accused of stealing from someone in my dorm called Arthur, but I never did it. I wouldn't, not enough nerve or need to really. But I guess at least I'm away from where I'm not wanted.

That's a lie; I'm no more wanted here than I was back at home.

I'm tired, I think I'll go to bed now, although I'm not sure what the point is, Tino will probably stay up talking to Lukas way past lights out anyway.


	2. 15th October

_Femtonde Oktober –_

The people in the dorm seem alright so far.

There's Dylan, Allistor and Arthur Kirkland, three brothers that fight quite a lot. They love each other really, I suppose, they're family, and you have to love your family, don't you? Arthur is English, Dylan - either Welsh or English too, and I think Allistor is Scottish with an extremely short temper. They don't bother with me that much, Dylan and Allistor did attempt speaking to me once, but when they got nothing in return they pretty much stopped trying. Which I'm grateful for, I think.

Then there's Tino, Tino Väinämöinen from Finland, pale faced with big brown eyes. The one who stays up until all hours of the morning talking. If I had to pick a word for him, then it'd either be annoying or bubbly. That aside, he's kind, always smiling and that's what I like about him, but also what makes me cautious of him. When he looks at me, his smile doesn't falter like most people's smile would and it's almost like he's really seeing me behind my silent mask, and that too is something that scares me.

And lastly, there's Lukas. I don't know what to think of him. He interests me, somehow. He has a pale face like Tino, with deep indigo-ish eyes and he's quite small, quite thin too - very Nordic looking. Lukas is quiet too in a way and, he hardly ever has an expression that isn't some kind of bored, emotionless stare. Despite it all though, I've discovered he does have a sense of humour, but an extremely dry one, and when he does smile - it's rare and it's beautiful, just like a small upwards quirk to his lips that sometimes I think I'm the only one who sees. I notice a lot about people around me, and in the dorm I've noticed most about Lukas. Like I said, he interests me.

_Femtonde Oktober –_

There's no rule saying you can't write in here twice in one day, right?

I have a free lesson now; I chose to come back to the dorm because no one else comes back here. They all go off in little clusters of friends, Lukas goes off with Tino and a few others. Mathias and Emil, I think their names are – Emil is Lukas' brother, but I don't think you can tell that just by looking at them. We're all in the same lessons, but not the same dorm. If I'm honest, when I first met Mathias I was a little intimidated by him – he's about my height, maybe a little taller, and he has a big mouth that never seems to be closed. Now I've known him for a while longer, to me, he's just an idiot – but I'm sure he means well. Maybe he uses that strong personality of his as a mask, just like my silence is my mask…

Thing is though, when these journals were given out in class yesterday, I felt nothing but resent towards them. I promised myself that this book would stay empty and I wouldn't write in it at all. No secrets, no feelings, it would stay untouched and cold, a bit like me. But now look at me, sitting here all by myself scribbling in it.

I should go now, I can hear some of the others coming up into the dorm. I've just been lying here on my bed, thinking.


	3. 16th October

_Sextonde Oktober – _

Today has been a strange day, I'm not sure if what happened was good or not. Maybe if I write it down I'll feel better.

So we had another free period, except this time in the library, where everyone in the same dorm just has to sit at their desks with each other and do their work, in complete silence. Which would suit me just fine if it were actually true. But of course it's not, people just pass notes and giggle and are out of their seats all the time. Especially Tino, who seems to have something for Mathias – but he seems to have something for Lukas. Lukas doesn't look like he has something for anyone though.

Anyway, I find myself on the table with all of the Nordics. I call them that now, 'the Nordics', because I found out they're all from Northern Europe – Norway, Iceland, Denmark and Finland. I suppose I'd fit in quite well considering I'm from Sweden, but saying that I don't really want to think about my past that much. Our dorm and Emil and Mathias' dorms had sort of joined for this free period. Mathias was being classic Mathias; I don't think he closed his mouth once…

But this period, Allistor, Arthur's Scottish brother was late into prep and he was in a foul mood, slamming open the door as he came in and swearing at everybody. I half expected somebody, Mathias in particular to start saying stuff back to him, but they didn't. I could feel myself shying away, trying to press myself into the wall behind me – people scare me when they get so loud like that. So then, Allistor just sort of looked at me and snorted a bit and said, "and don't think we're going to keep feeling sorry for you all year."

That was when Lukas jumped up and started shouting at him, telling him to leave me out of this and, "you know we're not supposed to shout at him!"

Lukas defended me, and that makes me feel quite happy, but I'm not sure if it should.


	4. 17th and 18th

_Sjuttonde Oktober – _

I'm in the dorm now, in bed. About 15 minutes ago Arthur passed by my corner on the way to his desk and he dropped me a note. It scared me. He kind of smiled at me as he set it down. I'm going to stick the note here.

_Hello, Berwald. _

_Don't worry about my brother, or at least try not to – he says he's sorry and he didn't mean at all what he said. He was just in a bad mood. That and he's really horrible as a person – how do you think I feel? I have to put up with the git all the bloody time! I wish you would talk to us. I think the whole dorm feels the same, we think you're nice and we want to help you and be friends. _

I'm still staring at it. I haven't replied. I don't know what to say, this is bad. I don't think I want to write anything else today.

_Artonde Oktober – _

How strange it is to feel liked, I'm not accustomed to it. But I noticed in the note, that Arthur didn't actually say that anybody liked me, maybe he was just being kind. I don't want to write anything today either. I don't know how to feel. It's not good how a note from someone I hardly know of so little meaning has affected me so much.


	5. 19th October

_Nittonde Oktober – _

I didn't write in here yesterday, well I did a little bit – I wonder if I'll get in trouble for it?

Tonight I was writing in my journal, scribbling away when I was suddenly approached by Tino, and he said very cheerfully, "My goodness, Berwald! You certainly take that diary seriously, what are you writing now?"

I didn't reply of course, I just can't. I thought of about a million things to say back to him though, but before I could do that thing that usually wards people away (which involves pressing myself backwards into the wall as far as I can go and having an expression that resembles a cockroach) Lukas piped up. His voice was very hard sounding and he had a thick accent.

"You take your journal seriously too, Tino, leave him alone."

Then some other things happened, but the significance was Tino went away, and as he was – Lukas looked at me, and did what I think he fancied a smile. Lukas had a point, Tino does take his journal seriously too – he's always scribbling in it. I don't think I've ever seen Lukas write in his though. Lots of other people take theirs seriously too. There's a boy that is in my English class called Feliciano Vargas, I think he's from Italy – he has a… strong spirited brother, who has turned his journal into a brilliant work of art covered in all sorts of different brightly coloured drawings. Then there's Roderich, who has turned every page into a music sheet, he's very talented at music. Sometimes, I'll never admit but when I slink out of the dorm sometimes – though it's not easy for me to 'slink' as I'm quite big, I go and sit outside the music block in hopes that he'll be playing there that day. I could listen to him for hours, but I don't think I'd like to have him as a friend. He seems a bit arrogant. Christ! I hope no one ever flicks through this journal in the dorm; they'd have my head on a stick. Anyway, there's also a boy called Alfred – American, seems like a lovely person although quite annoying; he's turned his journal into a type of scrapbook. He's filled it with old pictures of himself and his family and friends, old cinema tickets and train tickets, even an assortment of old toothpicks. My journal seems dull in comparison.


	6. 20th October

_Tjugonde Oktober – _

I'm required to do sports. See, the thing is – I just have to show up, I don't have to take part. Which to me seems silly, but, it's the way of the world, isn't it? Most days, when I have sport, I just stand at the edge of the court under some trees. That's a good thing about these sports lessons, I suppose. I found a great tree to sit under. It's come in useful.

A lot of shit has been going on in the dorm lately. The Kirkland brothers fight a lot – and it's real fighting too, they'll be screaming at each other at 2 AM some mornings. Tino gets on Lukas' nerves because he whines on about Mathias… and I'm just caught in the middle, not saying anything at all. I know it must be a real pain for them to have me in the dorm with them, so that's why lately I've found myself sneaking out a lot to go and sit under my tree. They'd prefer someone loud and funny.

But anyway, I'm sat under my tree now, watching my class playing tennis. There's a few new faces here, and by that I mean – some are from my dorm, some are from other dorms. Allistor and Dylan are here, so is Tino. One boy called Ludwig, German – I'm assuming, he's very competitive! Sometimes though I think he looks a little silly, he tries too hard. He's a great player, mind. Ludwig has a brother, I like him. Gilbert, I think his name is, and dear journal, he's obnoxious but very funny. Something inside me wonders if I were to speak again, I could be that funny...

Another called Francis Bonnefoy, he's a very graceful player, he hits every ball so effortlessly, skipping across the court… Oh! And there's Feliciano Vargas, I've mentioned him before – he's the one with the very artistic journal. He's quite a funny player, I think he could be skilled, but he seems like he just can't be bothered. I think he's more interested in what time lunch is – but I don't see why, the slop they serve here. We had a black and murky soup last night, it resembled shoe polish.

Oh… I think the lesson's over. I should go and group with them.


	7. 21st and 22nd

_Tjugoförsta Oktober –_

Today something awful happened. I don't want to write about it. Yet.

_Tjugoandra Oktober –_

Alright, I'm still quite confused about what happened yesterday. It was terrible, and it made me feel terrible.

I was in the dorm by myself; everyone had left when it happened. I was in the bathroom, and I should explain, the inside of the bathroom is practically invisible to anyone inside the dorm. Anyway, there I was peacefully sorting out some stuff in my toilet bag, when I hear some heavy footsteps running through the door. At first, it didn't faze me that much, I just had to creep out so they didn't notice me later, but then I heard something else. Sort of muffled sobbing sounds, someone in there was crying. I didn't want to, I just wanted to go and hide away – but I made myself go out and look. It was Lukas! He was lying with his back to me as I peeped out of the door, his head buried in the pillow. He was trembling, and his sobs were loud.

I hate myself for what I did, but I just let him lie there. Countless times when I was watching him I wanted to make some sort of noise, maybe even touch him to let him know I was there, but I didn't. I just couldn't. I don't know what happened afterwards, I left quietly when I saw him move and sniff, like he was about to turn over.

Maybe not everyone is as strong or as happy as I previously thought.


	8. 23rd October

_Tjugotredje Oktober –_

Oh dear journal, today I did something incredibly stupid.

Remember I mentioned my favourite tree? Well, there are some flowers growing around it. Today when I went out, I picked one.

And you know what I did? I'm so stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I went and put it on Lukas' pillow on his bed. I don't even know what type of flower it is, all I know is that it is of a pale colour and it's… mysterious in some way. Maybe that's why I picked it for him, because he's pale and mysterious too.

I think he knows it's me who put it there, if it was someone else he would have spoken up - spoken to them... and when I walked into the dorm tonight he looked straight at me and did his strange grimace-smile that he seems to fancy passes as a normal smile. I felt warmed through when he did, anyway. Perhaps he was just trying to be nice and he thinks that maybe Mathias put it there or something. I hope so.

Tino was all gushy when he saw the flower, gasping and cooing with a really huge smile on his face. He must think that Lukas has a girlfriend or an admirer...

I wonder if he does have a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend? As I've said before, I think he and Mathias have something together. It's just one of those things that I can tell, just the way Mathias looks and smiles at him.

The flower is now in a small vase on Lukas' bed side table. I say vase, it's just an empty jar of Nutella filled with water…


	9. 24th and 25th

_Tjugofjärde Oktober – _

I got a note from Lukas today. He passed it onto my desk during a homework period. I was quite scared to open it when he gave it to me because I thought it would have something to do with the flower, but surprisingly enough it didn't.

_Hei, Berwald._

_I was wondering, well, we were wondering if you would like to come out with us this afternoon? Mathias, Tino, Emil and I are all going to go for a walk along the beach. You know the one? Just down the path from the bottom sports court? We've got it all checked with matron, so we can just go. You don't have to come, but I hope you will. _

_Lukas_

I think it's nice of him… them to think of me. I don't think I'll go, though. What if they all just feel sorry for me and just ignore me? Or worse, actually speak to me? No. I won't go. It's too scary.

_Tjuefjerde Oktober – _

Lukas knows. He knows about the flowers. Despite what I wrote yesterday, I went and I actually enjoyed it! I wasn't going to go, but Lukas found me in the dorm and he had Mathias with him. They're both pretty… persuasive.

Saying that, all they said to me was, "are you coming?" I wasn't sure how I could say no, so I ended up going. We met Emil and Tino at the doors, and I remember Emil (and Mathias, after he clicked that Emil was playing Temple Run) being more interested in his phone than in my presence, which I guess I'm pretty thankful for.

All four of them seem so close. It's so lovely to see a group of friends like them, I mean, they fight a lot but it's obvious deep down they all need each other. Especially Lukas and his brother, Lukas teases him rotten but you can tell they love each other really. Like the Kirkland brothers. I wish I had a brother, maybe if I did things would be different for me. Maybe I'd talk, because I'd feel like there was someone I could talk to. Silence has become more than a defence for me, it's become a cage.

Well anyway, we walked down to the beach and we stayed there for a while. Mathias was wearing jeans and he decided it would be a good idea to run right into the sea. He got quite wet – which he then complained about pretty much for the rest of the time we were there. Tino found it funny, while Emil and Lukas looked distinctly unimpressed. I could see a family resemblance. While we were on the beach, I guessed we'd been there quite some time now, as we were just sitting and talking. By that I mean, they were all lying on the sand talking, I was sitting watching and listening to them. I've got a pretty decent scope on them all now, I suppose. Emil said he was hungry soon after, so he, Tino and Mathias went to get some food leaving me and Lukas alone. At first I was pretty nervous about being left on my own with him, but he just lay there in silence for a while, so it wasn't too bad. He did say some things though, but they weren't too bad either.

"I know it was you who put the flower on my bed," was the first thing he said. I can't tell you how I felt when he said it, sort of sick and panicked at the same time. He didn't look at me, probably because he knew I wouldn't reply and he carried on. I couldn't tell if he was being sincere or not, his voice was pretty flat. "I think it was a lovely thing to do, so… takk."

That's when we heard Mathias' shrieking laughter, it sounded pretty distant but I'm sure I saw Lukas roll his eyes. "He's annoying as hell."

I concluded that the Nordics aren't that bad, if a bit strange. From the time I've spent around them though, I've found they interest me.

**A.N – ashsjka hellohello. erm, well, just wanted to thank you all for the reviews and follows ^-^ … so thank you. **


	10. 26th October

_ Tjugosjätte Oktober – _

Something strange happened today, and it wasn't a good-stranger either. Strange and bad things always happen when the dorm is empty and I'm in the bathroom, I've noticed. Anyway, I was just about to come out of the bathroom today when I hear a sound, like a grunt and a giggle followed by a weird wet sound. I knew immediately what it was, and that's when I heard a voice that was undeniably Mathias asking, "can we? No one's around."

I didn't hear the response of whoever was with him, but then I heard a thud and another giggle. That was when I dared to look around the door, mainly because I felt if they were going to be doing… well… I shouldn't be there. So I had to make sure. Of course, I regretted my decision and when I looked out, I saw that Lukas had Mathias pressed up against the wall by his bed and they were kissing… Mathias was even smiling! I'm not sure why I was so shocked, I've suspected they had something for a while. They must have nerve! Doing things like that in school.

I quite promptly left after that, and I went and sat under my tree, I'm pretty sure they were both too into their kissing to know I'd left or even been there in the first place. At least that's what I'm hoping. It's the very first time I've allowed myself to cry since I've been at this school. I can't believe how stupid I've been; and I'm not sure why this whole ordeal has upset me so much. I suppose it's because, being honest with myself now, I like Lukas and I trust him, even though I haven't even known him for that long. I've always known it ever since he stuck up for me that time when Allistor shouted at me in Prep, but I guess it's always been one sided. Maybe he just feels sorry for me.

That's what happens. You let people in and they destroy you.

**A.N - i'm not sure about this. hmmm. i hope you like it ^-^**


	11. 30th October

_Trettionde Oktober – _

Allistor is in a dreadful mood tonight. Nothing any of us say to him seems to be right, and he just won't stop hitting Arthur across the back of his head. I think it's because during a search this morning (someone's things in another dorm have been stolen/gone missing) a teacher found a bottle of whisky and cigarettes under his mattress. They were confiscated, of course, and he's got detention for a week.

I haven't written in here in a while. Too much has been going on, and by that I mean – too much of nothing has been going on. We all know too much of nothing means a something. I've been avoiding Lukas, avoiding looking at him, avoiding trying to smile at him. I can't look him in the eye. It's the same with Mathias.

I'm not sure how it's possible that I can avoid someone when I don't speak anyway, but he seems to have noticed something different. He's just dropped me a note. He didn't smile at me or anything when he put it on my bed, just looked at me blankly and vaguely apologetically.

All the note said was;

_Has something upset you? Tino and I are worried about you. We noticed you were smiling more and now… you aren't. _

I wanted more than anything to send something back, something more than just 'I'm fine.' But I could hardly write 'I saw you and Mathias together and it upset me because Lukas, I'm in love with you,' could I? – And yes, it's true.

Lukas looked very shocked indeed, and then very happy, when I approached him to give him my reply. Maybe he thinks this is the first step to getting me to talk again. Maybe he's right. All I wrote was;

_No._

And then I slunk back to my bed.


	12. 1st and 2nd November

_Först November –_

I've decided. The best thing for me to do about knowing that Mathias and Lukas are together is to just… forget about it. It has nothing to do with me… and they both deserve to be happy. Saying that, I guess now I've admitted to myself I have feelings for Lukas, that's all I should want. For him to be happy. Besides, I already had suspected something going on between them. I think it was just the confirmation of my suspicions that hurt the most.

It's four days until bonfire night. That's one of my favourite holidays, or at least it was. I wonder if they'll have some kind of celebration for it here? They have to at least let off a couple of fireworks for us, right? Even if they don't, I suppose I can watch the fireworks other people are letting off from the dorm window.

I know Allistor is also looking forward to the fifth. I heard him say to Arthur last night that he'd bought a pack of fireworks and that he and his friend Gilbert (that's Ludwig's big brother) were going to set them off in one of the tennis courts. Then I heard Arthur tell him he was an idiot and Dylan agreeing, which he just laughed at.

I wish I could be more like Allistor. He just doesn't seem to care what people think of him, but that's what makes me worry sometimes. I always feel like he's pretending to be oblivious, and one day he'll just snap – like he does when he's especially angry. I've already discovered that some people aren't as happy as they seem.

They always say the quieter you become, the more you hear. But what do I know?

_Andra November –_

Here's a note from Lukas I got today, it's made me think quite a lot. It's the first note I've had from him in a few days.

_We're all - Emil, myself, Mathias and Tino, going to a bonfire on the fifth. We've checked it with matron. Tino and I wondered if you would like to join us. I hope you do - we had such a great time the last time you came out with us. _

_I'm glad I hadn't offended you - as I said before, I was worried. But now I see you're smiling a little more again. _

I don't think I can write anymore today.


End file.
